For many couples, the urge to resolve disagreements before sleeping can feel paramount, according to Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, a clinical psychologist in Potomac, Maryland. This instinct is particularly prevalent among individuals who grew up in households with frequent conflict, making the idea of pausing an argument before resolution feel unnatural.
The well-known adage “never go to bed angry” also fuels this tendency, often stemming from the belief that unresolved anger can intensify overnight, fostering deeper resentment. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York City, explains that this advice likely originates from the desire to maintain harmony and prevent emotional distance by prioritizing relationship connection over unresolved negativity.
However, Dr. Whiten notes that resistance to postponing arguments can also be linked to social comparison or toxic positivity, creating the expectation that couples should be able to quickly resolve issues and end the night amicably. Additionally, there’s a concern about the potential for lingering resentment or the lack of a loving bedtime acknowledgment.
Despite its seemingly positive intent, Dr. Romanoff suggests that rigidly adhering to the “never go to bed angry” rule can be counterproductive, as it may disregard individual needs for rest and perspective.
Dr. Whiten proposes that learning to pause an argument and go to sleep while upset is a valuable skill. Exhaustion can lead to decreased emotional control, impulsivity, and regrettable words or actions. Furthermore, problem-solving, listening, and reasoning abilities, crucial for effective communication, can be impaired when tired and agitated. In contrast, a good night’s sleep can reset the brain, reducing reactivity to negative stimuli, aiding emotional processing, and restoring rational thinking, according to Dr. Romanoff. Often, the next day brings a clearer perspective, and previously significant issues may seem less critical. For remaining concerns, individuals are better equipped to express themselves constructively after rest. Dr. Romanoff advises that, with rare exceptions involving immediate, relevant circumstances, all arguments should ideally be revisited the following day.
When sleep is elusive due to lingering urgency, rumination, or anxieties about the relationship, Dr. Whiten suggests these feelings may stem from “attachment panic”—a fear of insecurity within the closest relationship. While the instinct to immediately seek reassurance is strong, attempting to resolve issues when tired and emotionally charged can be less effective and potentially exacerbate anxiety.
Regardless of the underlying reasons for the inability to let go, several techniques can facilitate restful sleep. Dr. Whiten notes that in some relationships, one partner may have a stronger desire for immediate conflict resolution, fearing that delay means the issue will never be addressed. Therefore, experts emphasize the importance of couples committing to a specific time to revisit the discussion when both are more composed. Anticipating resolution can provide enough calm to sleep.
Dr. Romanoff also recommends maintaining bedtime rituals that reinforce the relationship’s foundation, such as expressing affection through words or physical touch. These rituals can communicate enduring commitment despite the current disagreement, offering reassurance without dismissing the conflict and balancing immediate emotional security with the need for sleep.
While emotions are often temporary, commitment and care for a partner tend to be enduring. Even a brief, perfunctory expression of love can be significant in affirming the bond without denying current anger, according to Dr. Romanoff. Self-regulation techniques such as meditation, journaling, breathing exercises, or distractions like a quick shower can also be helpful, suggests Dr. Whiten. Asking oneself how to act in a way that will bring future pride and how to care for oneself with parental-like compassion can aid in self-soothing. Dr. Whiten highlights that learning to self-soothe is a key aspect of managing anxious attachment, often explored in therapy.
Ultimately, Dr. Romanoff emphasizes that follow-up conversations should treat conflicts as opportunities for growth and closer connection, recognizing that navigating life together involves learning and progressing through both harmonious and challenging moments.
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